I think conversations like this are important and I want to personally thank you for having the strength and courage to talk about this because I've been there before and it's deeply personal but something that millions share.
I grew up with strict religious values and discipline. I believed 100% that if I lived my life according to righteousness my life would be "spared", in a sense, from the rain that falls. However, it should be pointed out that the bible says that rain falls on the saint and sinner alike.
What helped me to fully understand all the directions my life has taken, and the hardships, is fundamentally understanding that the universe is always seeking balance. Everything is about balance. If we go to one extreme we're likely to be pulled in the other direction. And so I married a woman who turned out to be opposite to an extreme, even practicing witchcraft. Yeah. It was like that.
But both she, and the situation, challenged me and taught me things I needed to learn. I remember she accused me of seeing the world in black and white. And she challenged the bible (we met as Hebrew Israelites when she was 100% for the bible) in a way that forced me to see both the good and the evil in it in a way I had not even dared to before.
Mainly... it started with how women were treated. I simply could not rationalize a justification for how women could be treated so badly and in the same breath talk about universal law. And then I had to take a hard look at other things as well; like slavery. From deep study and research, I could see the progression and evolution from one time to another. Humans. Not robots or automatons, but fallible humans making mistakes. And then we tend to idolize their writing and assume it was a reflection of a perfect way to live.
I'm not trying to change your opinion on anything. I'm merely trying to say this...
The strict "program" we were raised under... is not prepared for the multitude of ways that life evolves. You MUST learn to adapt. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. It doesn't feel fair because it's not. However, if you can gain perspective from it, it can help you grow in ways you didn't know you needed to before.
The bible says "ALL THINGS work together for good to them that love Jah"
This includes good and evil. Why do we attract the people we do? And why do they have the issues they have? If I was with 'another me' I wouldn't have to change, wouldn't have to learn anything, wouldn't have to grow, and that would be easier but is that the point? Or is growth the point because if we aren't growing are we not dying?
There is a bright side to every disaster. You simply have to see it and seize upon new opportunities. New. I just planted a garden but before I planted anything I had to break up the soil. Destruction. I pulled weeds and tried to destroy as much of their root systems as possible so it wouldn't endanger the lives of "my chosen plants". Sometimes destruction is necessary.
I've shared this before, but I lived in Dayton, Ohio in 2019 when a storm of tornadoes ravaged the area that I lived in. My street was one of the hardest hit, but the damage was so massive that it made international news. This house that I had fought to keep, to salvage, even before, had the whole roof taken off and had to be rebuilt from the studs. And my efforts to salvage my family and protect my children forced me to support their mother in ways that sacrificed my next marriage. Instead of staying in the house that was rebuilt, I took the opportunity to move closer to my job and found someone new. Instead of being devoted to the past I sold the house and bought a new house that I truly love in a way that brings me joy and happiness. Because it's perfect (for me). I can talk endlessly about it and the renovations I was able to do because of the sale of my old house. And the old house? The contractors did a bad job and if I had stayed I probably would have gotten screwed over. I took the kids by there a week ago and the siding was coming off. It looked terrible and sad.
I started a new chapter. But to start a new chapter you have to finish the old chapter and be willing to leave it behind. Sometimes we want to hang on to things that aren't good for us or simply aren't right for us. It creates "baggage". And we stretch ourselves and bend ourselves to compromise in an effort to "build" this... thing... a thing we don't really know; the future.
I wish I had prettier words to paint a picture of how your life could change for the better. The truth is that you are the one holding the brush. You are the one who has to seize the opportunities. You are the one who has to take life's lessons and adapt. It is my sincere hope that you will make the most of it all.
The name YHWH, in Hebrew, is better translated as "I will be what I will be". or for short, "I will be." You will be fine as long as you adapt. And you can start by having conversations with men that have nothing to do with work. The ones at the bottom of the barrel are the ones most likely to have the bravery and aggressive nature to not wait for there to be some indication of your interest. If you really want a good man you have to find him and show him that you're interested. Good men and women are out there. You just have to search and be willing to test them. But also look within yourself and learn yourself and grow yourself because the better you are the more you can add to a relationship. Seek individual balance and a balanced relationship. Many of our discussions here may be a collision between past, present, and future. And that's okay. At the end of the day the future is unknown because it is based on all of us becoming what we will be. Whatever that is. Just be the best version of yourself that you can.