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Intelligent Children

1 - 1011 - 2021 - 28
Time Zone: EST (New York, Toronto)
Messenger: Sister Sent: 3/1/2013 3:53:21 PM

On the 'not' theme, in encouraging right behaviour I think it is clearer for a child (or anyone) to be given a positive instruction as opposed to a negative limitation, for example 'play nicely' rather than 'dont hurt your friends' because it is constructive, and a negative is often met with a negative response. In the same way, punishment can compound bad behaviour, where positive guidance can rehabilitate. Being told not to do something can lead to curiosity as to why, or investigating the consequences of why not. However, a child must also accept 'no' and 'dont' from adults, which comes from the knowledge that the adult is not only a trusted authority but also provides positive guidance and affirmation alongside the setting of limits.

Messenger: chica Sent: 3/1/2013 4:37:45 PM

I think what makes this all so confusing to children is because oftentimes, a person of authority in a child's life says "no" or "not" to a given situation, perhaps explaining why (but frequently not explaining why), then the child sees the person of authority doing the very thing the child has been warned against not doing. The person of authority in some children's lives will even have the child doing things that are detrimental to the child, the child knows the things are wrong and detrimental, but because the chld has no power, the child must obey and do the wrong things. I have found this does play into whether a child trusts, respects, obeys the person of authority, and whether the child believes that "not" is right and "no" is wrong. It is very confusing for adults so imagine what it must be like for chldren.

Messenger: Ark I Sent: 3/10/2013 11:19:45 PM

Sometimes there are justifiable reasons why an adult can do something that a child is not allowed to do. These reasons should be explained so the child Iverstands.

Chica, I assume the I was speaking more about a situation where the adult also shouldn't do the thing they are doing, but I just wanted to bring forward an example where that it is justifiable.

Even between older or younger children there are differences, I sometimes let I older son do something I don't allow the younger one o do, and I explain to the younger one why so he Iverstands, and he usually accepts it.

Messenger: chica Sent: 3/12/2013 2:46:27 PM

Greetings, Ark I

I believe the key here is that you expalin. So often, no one explains, and children do witness adults indulging in all kinds of practices which they should not be indulging in. That is confusing to the child. Of course, there are differences between older and younger children,but I would wager that whatever it is you are allowing the older child to do is not something negative. It's a matter of being mature enough to engage in a certain activity. I understand that. What I am referring to is activity that is, on its face, very negative, and the child witnesses the adult engaging. So when the adult tells the child it is wrong, the child does not believe the adult, for why would the adult be doing something wrong?

Messenger: Matthew Sent: 3/12/2013 5:24:33 PM

Yes Chica
Parents can be seen as hypocritical and loose the Raspect of or just plainly confuse children

I have a 3 year old son who wants to copy everything I do, I practice martial arts, sometimes sparring at home with friends.
Last week my son punched his sister and without thinking I scorned him. He got really upset and couldn't understand why I was punishing him. As he saw it he was only practicing his boxing like daddy does!! in reality I was to blame for his behaviour I never took the time to explain the behaviour he was observing from me

Something I often observe is parents smoking cigarettes in front of their children. I often wonder how the parent is going to convince the child smoking is bad !

Teachers, Parents, Leaders have a huge Rasponsibillity and should lead by example
This is how I aim to parent my children as this is the example I father set.
Leadership does not mean domination. The world is always well supplied with people who wish to rule and dominate others.

The true leader is a different sort; he seeks effective activity which has a truly beneficient purpose. He inspires others to follow in his wake, and holding aloft the torch of wisdom, leads the way for society to realize its genuinely great aspirations.

The art of leadership is in the ability to make people want to work for you, while they are really under no obligation to do so. Leaders are people, who raise the standards by which they judge themselves and by which they are willing to be judged. The goal chosen, the objective selected, the requirements imposed, are not mainly for their followers alone.

They develop with consumate energy and devotion, their own skill and knowledge in order to reach the standard they themselves have set.

This whole-hearted acceptance of the demands imposed by even higher standards is the basis of all human progress. A love of higher quality, we must remember, is essential in a leader.

The true leader is one who realizes by faith that he is an instrument in the hands of God, and dedicates himself to be a guide and inspirer of the nobler sentiments and aspirations of the people.

He who would be a leader must pay the price in self-discipline and moral restraints. This details the correction and improvement of his personal character, the checking of passions and desires and an exemplary control of one's bodily needs and desires.

To be first in place, one must be first in merit as well.

He who has not learned to render prompt and willing service to others will find it difficult to win and keep the goodwill and cooperation of his subordinates.

A leader will kindle interest, teach, aid, correct and inspire. Those whom he leads will cooperate with him in maintaining discipline for the good of the group. He will instruct his followers in the goals towards which to strive, and create in them a sense of mutual effort for attaining the goal.

Blessed love

Messenger: Sister Sent: 3/12/2013 6:46:09 PM

I heard the phrase 'do as i say not what i do' - in theory adults arent supposed to contradict themselves, and always lead by example. Although it is more nourishing to give appropriate level of reasoning to a child, sometimes they have to accept without an explanation, respect and trust come into it if they are established child will be more likely to take your word without a debate. As with faith, there's not always a clear explanation alongside the guidance you receive. Children learn also that adults can make mistakes too and be accountable for them, what forgiveness is, they learn from how you handle setbacks and how to make their own judgements about what is right and wrong, and it can be healthy to question authority sometimes.

Messenger: chica Sent: 3/14/2013 6:50:35 PM

Matthew, as I read this most recent response of yours, I could declare I was listening to HIM. It sounds just like what I believe HIM would advise. I couldn't tell where "Matthew" stopped writing and "HIM" began. Because this message rings strongly of truth and love, it is most convincing.

Messenger: Ark I Sent: 3/14/2013 11:35:11 PM

Sister, the I said,

Children learn also that adults can make mistakes too and be accountable for them, what forgiveness is, they learn from how you handle setbacks and how to make their own judgements about what is right and wrong, and it can be healthy to question authority sometimes.

Yes I, what the I said reminded I of another important thing, that is to admit to your child that you are wrong, when you are wrong.  Too often people let pride and image get in the way of doing that.  This can happen, for example, if a parent is disciplining a child and throughout the process they realize they were wrong, at least about some things, or especially if the child points out that they are wrong.  Instead of admitting the wrong, they may redirect or use other means to avoid the fact.

One thing that would deter a parent from admitting wrong is that it can sometimes make a child get arrogant or bold in the argument.  This is especially true when a person first tries to deal with their children this way, because it is a new thing for the child to have this opportunity to sight their parent admitting they are wrong.  If a person can be this way from the start, it is better, but it can be introduced at any time.  Sometimes it is good to let your child have their "I told you so" moment in those situations, but the child must be made to Iverstand that sometimes they will not have their "I told you so" moment and will have to be satisfied with only the admission of wrong.  A parent can explain the ground rules around it, for example for the child to humble themselves when being disciplined at times when people outside the family are around.

Here is a Reasoning that I have made before that also applies to a relationship between parent and child, especially as the child becomes older.
Another thing to remember is that it would be beneficial for you and the person to have an agreement that if one of you brings up a problem about the other, then the other shouldn't bring up a counter-problem at that time. Deal with the problem at hand, and at another time (preferably on another day) the other person can bring up a problem to discuss. Otherwise, problem calls out problem that calls out problem and argument can turn into fight.

And when they speak about a problem, first think about what has been said and put yourself in their shoes, and then react, and they should do the same if you bring up a problem. A few seconds of thinking can bring a very different response and usually a better one. Also, when one of you brings up a problem, try to bring it up at the right time. In the heat of the moment, bringing up a problem will go on deaf ears and it will be useless. But if a person waits a little, when they bring up the problem the other person will be more likely to at least listen.

And unless it is absolutely necessary, the I them shouldn't bring up a problem in front of others because that will probably cause the accused embarrasment and they will likely try to defend, and it is also more likely to become a competition instead of a reasoning. Always look for usefulness, discuss problems in a manner that will fix them, instead of way that will cause more problems.

Man and Woman

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Haile Selassie I